A ton of things have happened since the last time I've posted so I feel like it is a good time to run an update. Guess I'll start back on the week before my birthday. It was a pretty hard time for me to be honest. It actually all started when I went on Facebook a week before my birthday and I noticed that my chat box was missing someone important. Go to Anna's page and yeah, she unfriended me. That's okay I guess she was already blocking everything on her page anyways, but the part that bothered me was why. Why would she do something like that?

I called her and texted her and asked to see if she was still going to spend my birthday with me. She replied that she wasn't, that was okay too; I just wanted to know why. No response. I was angry, but only for a little as I quickly tried to find people to spend time with so I wouldn't be alone on my birthday. It was really looking like I was going to be alone after all. Until Sarah said she might be able to do the Friday, at least it was close to my birthday. Then I had a party to go to the night before my birthday as well. I was stood up on Friday, that was okay because well frankly I'm used to it. It didn't phase me all that much actually. Ben's party was the night right after, and for me it was the night that everything actually changed.

I hadn't been out for 2 months, and haven't talked to real people in such a long time. Compared to who I was before I was already radically different. I decided to go to the party because I knew I was ready to face the world again. Its been a long time since I had been to a house party, but at least it was a house party with old friends. It was fun playing the drinking games and I very quickly forgot about all my problems. I even made plans for the next day, my birthday. It was short notice but I quickly threw together a gaming party.

It was only two friends that came over, and all we did was play Brawl, Marvel, and Soul Calibur but it was still really nice compared to spending another mellow day alone. One thing did come out of it though, which was I texted Sarah. It turns out she just forgot and felt terrible about missing out on our plans and quickly rescheduled with me. I was fine with it of course, getting back into the groove of seeing people every day. I started to build up my contacts again talk to old friends, it felt good; at least for a while I forgot about Anna.

I invited Ryan and Keifer to come with me to Tubbies, Ryan loves Marvel and Keifer is pretty much down for anything these days. I knew I would see Anna there, and I also expected her to leave when I showed up. Like I thought she left when she saw me, that pretty much confirmed my suspicions. She was avoiding me. Further confirmed by reading her lips in a conversation, I knew exactly why. Over the years I've been able to read people and situations so well that I've gotten to the point where I can predict behavior. The truth is that I saw this coming the whole time. And if one where to look in my journal they would see that this is true. I had a theory for why too, but I was only 70% sure.

Fast forwards to last Friday, I went to my friend's place for a gaming party with a ton of people. There I saw Erin again, haven't seen her in a while. I began to talk to her and learned the rumors circulating about Anna. When I heard some things that I learned were actually true, my theory became 100% accurate. Erin even dropped to the same conclusion immediately without any goading. It wasn't Anna's fault and she definitely wasn't cutting people out of her life because of her own free will. I understand that now, and I'm sorry. Anna's always been the one to be manipulated and I realize now that I was wrong to shun her like I did months ago.

After hanging out and talking with Sarah, I confirmed my place in all of this. I know that I have to let her live her life as she wants. If she wants to talk to me then she can, if she wants to remove herself from my future then that is her choice. I know its as mundane as what happened between Sarah and Keifer and it sucks that I will probably lose my best friend from this. But there isn't really anything I could do.

So I moved on choosing to return to the fighting game community. I quickly learned that it was extremely broken and that no one sought to improve anymore. The competitive drive was sucked out when Corey left, and was completely gone when I left soon after. I thought that Simon would replace me as leader, but I was wrong for once in my life. He was useless, dropped the game when he didn't have anything left he needed to prove. When he though he won, without any leadership qualities I was disgusted. Our scene nearly died because of that mongoloid and it was all because he was useless and jealous.

Now though, I heard that Anna and Simon broke up. Looking back I remember saying to Anna that they would only last a couple more months and would break up by March. I feel responsible for it, but then again someone that despicable isn't worth her time. The only thing I feel right now is regret. She broke up with him... and I can't be there for my own best friend. In a way I hurt her more than anyone else and now I am paying the price.

I haven't posted in a while because there really wasn't anything to post. My life isn't really interesting anymore, its rather relaxing really so I'm not really complaining. I've learned since then to become independent and live on my own terms so now I am doing pretty well. My life right now is basically going to school, playing games, and just getting through life as painlessly as possible.

There isn't a lot of joy in things anymore, but at the same time I don't ever feel down really. I'm pretty sure Anna just cancelled on our plans for my birthday. I guess its better than getting stood up, although I can't get anyone to replace her. Everyone is busy on that weekend for some stupid reason. That being said my birthday is in less than a week now, its a little bit upsetting that I'm going to be spending it the same way I do every other day. I just hope I can make something happen.

I'm thinking of going to Tubbies this Wednesday to talk to Anna if she doesn't respond to me. I shouldn't really care, and I know I think of myself too much. But I just want like an hour or something on my birthday where I can just have what I want. Then its back to the usual.

I just had a breakdown, still recovering. What the hell is wrong with me right now; I need my friend. I need her but she won't reply. I need Anna to just give me one of her one worded replies. I need Kaitlyn to just talk to me again. I need to get out of this, this mess of a life. I just can't wait any longer I feel like I am dying right now. I am so depressed it is getting hard to breathe, my mind is going insane and I can barely get any rest. I am tired all the time and I can't do anything at all but sit and do nothing.


I'm such an idiot. Why did I ever do that. I wish I could take it back, take it all back. I am literally the biggest failure at making decisions. I make absolutely the worse choices and I come to regret them all. I take massive gambles in an attempt to fix my life and all I get is my life crashing to the ground. What the fuck.

I am almost certain I currently have SAD. A seasonal depression that varies in strength according to person. I think back and know now that I've never been sad but when it was in the colder months. Right now with it being nearly -50 outside I can't help but feel like I am dying. This cancer, I might as well die soon. It is a grim thing to say but at this point I have nothing to live for, no one that will miss me. I don't keep in contact with anyone; I'm basically dead to all but myself. I'm even losing hope in that now.

I am not a humble person in the slightest but now I stand in all humility before everyone. Weak as ever, feeling like nothing; an empty shell. I wish I had someone to talk to right now. Brittany is in Korea. Sarah isn't going to save me this time, she was always Anna's friend. Teagan has basically forgotten me by now. Kaitlyn is annoyed to hell with me and won't say anything. I don't even know what's going on through Anna's head anymore.

Ugh.

Fighting procrastination that is, some things have changed for me as of recent but my inattention still hasn't. I already missed a day of school but I promise it'll be the last. I'm a little upset that I dropped my Japanese class because it really was the one I loved the most. But as much as I love the class and my teacher I just don't think that its worth it to have school 5 days a week when I spend more time on the bus than I do in class. I think it is relatively pointless. That and Nadia >.>


But on that particular topic, a while ago someone mentioned to me that "You really don't respect people in relationships do you?" That was the time I realized that I really don't, and I guess its because my first relationship my girlfriend was really open to me doing whatever, and she even encouraged me to talk to other girls (maybe I took it too far). Since my friend told me that I think I've shaped up and I actually do care now, although it is a little disheartening that I can't have everything, I think that this will end up making me a better person.

Psychology class, about communication between people; I have it with the same professor that I had last semester. Looks like he is now doing great and also teaches the same way. Regardless of the fact it is now a different class I was subject to a mind-reading, and the same stories and jokes I heard the first time around. Also the short classes continued. It is a 3 hour lecture every friday, this one ended at 1 hour. Real.

I got a call from the doctor's office finally, they called me in for a psychiatric evaluation in two months. As the nurse was giving me the details of the doctor's office she told me that I would need to bring someone close to me who knew me. Someone like a best friend or a girlfriend. I was wrestling with my own mind a little trying to decide whether or not it was a better idea to shirk my medical condition since I swore not to see Anna until I was alright again. For sake of understanding, I have two conditions; one is potentially terminal and one isn't. This evaluation is obviously not for the one that is terminal but I feel is just as important.

Either way I ended up sending a desperate text to Anna, and apparently she still cares enough to help me out. I feel like a giant ass for everything that I've done; and was convinced that space was healthy. I don't know what she's thinking any more, we've grown so far apart but maybe we can still be friends while all this goes on. I just have to work past all of this, no more complaining about being ignored or anything. It sure is hard.

New semester begins and I'm feeling alright about it. My classes so far are really boring but that's alright, because I'm trying to stay on track regardless of how bored I am. Should be a challenge. The only class I like so far is Japanese but I think I am going to have to drop it :(. The main reason why is because I don't think I can personally handle 4 classes, and keeping it at 3 should be fine. The other reason is that Nadia isn't in the class, and that just kinda upsets me a little. I have the same teacher though, and she is super fun to have but I've already made my decision at this point and I guess I can't turn my back on it.


My goal for this semester is really lame, but Kaitlyn told me to focus on one thing. That one thing is school, so I'm not supposed to care about the extremely hot and cute (same time!) redhead in my science class. Or the fact that the same science class has a 13:1 girls to guy ratio. Sucks, but its the last thing Kaitlyn said to me before going AWOL. I don't know what's going on with that, but I have a feeling that she's had enough of me too.

I've been catching up on my sleep and feeling a lot better, distracting myself from loneliness is working out pretty well and I'm going to call the doctor tomorrow. I've made it a goal that I'll try to get better before my birthday so I can talk to Anna before then. I don't want to have to spend my birthday alone if I can avoid it. Its on a Sunday, and I'm hoping that by then everything will be okay with me ^^

Meanwhile climbing that ELO ladder and leveling up my smurf :D. Played my first game with a CLG member! We lost but it was a cool experience!

Haha yeah, I'm starting to get used to the being alone thing. As dumb as it sounds I don't think that having a girlfriend is even worth it if she just makes you feel like crap all the time. It isn't anyone's fault but my own really, I just don't do well in any kind of long-term situation.


Got my blood test done. I hate needles but only just the sight of them. I figure this one was a lot larger; mainly to extract blood. I could literally feel it, absolutely horrifying. Arm is still numb. Its okay though, doesn't really affect my ability to sleep or play games.

I think I will have to stop playing soon though, its going to only get in the way of my school and life. I've reached my goal now though in LoL, 1900+ ELO rating on my main. My strategy was to play games on my smurf to calm my nerves and give me experience so I could win every match on ranked. Empty accomplishment though, nobody knows that I even play this game let alone am ranked so high.

Another Tubbies night passed now, I think I'll be alright. The more time passes by the less I actually care about the attention of others. It's a start at least. Les actually texted me that he wanted to go, I feel pretty bad cause the guy never makes it out. It sounded like he wasn't go since I was 'busy'. It looks like Allen is doing pretty well, I'm glad to see that my predicament doesn't affect his life with that community.

I'm a little lost right now but I know that every day I spend by myself I learn more and more, I'm going to keep going as far as I can before I go get my best friend back. Dumb choices, dumb choices. Or is it? She's smart, and knows that I'm a kid that's never grown up; am I now growing up?

edit (5:50 am): Although I'm feeling better about myself in general I'm pretty upset about Teagan and Brittany. Its like two people who just vanished from my life. What the hell? I only have Kaitlyn left to talk to, and she's starting to get annoyed... keep going...

What does it actually mean for me? Its a magical thing, a lot of people are talking to me again that never spoke to me before. Then again they are drunk out of their minds. Its nice all the same though, maybe from now on I can pick up on my life again. I really feel apprehensive about what I sent Anna now, wish I could take it back and in time I probably will. Not when I'm so unsure as I am right now.


My medical condition is persistent and I'm scared I won't be diagnosed before school starts. I'm having my blood taken for analysis on Tuesday. Then school starts a week later. I'm not ready at all actually. I'll try and focus but I don't know if I'll get through it this time. I'm still reforming myself. I have a lot of free time and am trying to actually be productive at all times instead of wasting time. If I can do stuff that I don't want to for more than like a day I'll be happy.

Meh, I know that she doesn't read this blog at all; doesn't care. To be honest I think it might of been another cry for attention but now I'm thinking of it as a test of will. I'm going to see her again maybe by like the end of the month, depends on whenever I begin my treatment. I'm really dramatic but hopefully that will go away too. I really need someone to talk to, why did I throw away my best friend again?

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