I just had a breakdown, still recovering. What the hell is wrong with me right now; I need my friend. I need her but she won't reply. I need Anna to just give me one of her one worded replies. I need Kaitlyn to just talk to me again. I need to get out of this, this mess of a life. I just can't wait any longer I feel like I am dying right now. I am so depressed it is getting hard to breathe, my mind is going insane and I can barely get any rest. I am tired all the time and I can't do anything at all but sit and do nothing.


I'm such an idiot. Why did I ever do that. I wish I could take it back, take it all back. I am literally the biggest failure at making decisions. I make absolutely the worse choices and I come to regret them all. I take massive gambles in an attempt to fix my life and all I get is my life crashing to the ground. What the fuck.

I am almost certain I currently have SAD. A seasonal depression that varies in strength according to person. I think back and know now that I've never been sad but when it was in the colder months. Right now with it being nearly -50 outside I can't help but feel like I am dying. This cancer, I might as well die soon. It is a grim thing to say but at this point I have nothing to live for, no one that will miss me. I don't keep in contact with anyone; I'm basically dead to all but myself. I'm even losing hope in that now.

I am not a humble person in the slightest but now I stand in all humility before everyone. Weak as ever, feeling like nothing; an empty shell. I wish I had someone to talk to right now. Brittany is in Korea. Sarah isn't going to save me this time, she was always Anna's friend. Teagan has basically forgotten me by now. Kaitlyn is annoyed to hell with me and won't say anything. I don't even know what's going on through Anna's head anymore.

Ugh.

Fighting procrastination that is, some things have changed for me as of recent but my inattention still hasn't. I already missed a day of school but I promise it'll be the last. I'm a little upset that I dropped my Japanese class because it really was the one I loved the most. But as much as I love the class and my teacher I just don't think that its worth it to have school 5 days a week when I spend more time on the bus than I do in class. I think it is relatively pointless. That and Nadia >.>


But on that particular topic, a while ago someone mentioned to me that "You really don't respect people in relationships do you?" That was the time I realized that I really don't, and I guess its because my first relationship my girlfriend was really open to me doing whatever, and she even encouraged me to talk to other girls (maybe I took it too far). Since my friend told me that I think I've shaped up and I actually do care now, although it is a little disheartening that I can't have everything, I think that this will end up making me a better person.

Psychology class, about communication between people; I have it with the same professor that I had last semester. Looks like he is now doing great and also teaches the same way. Regardless of the fact it is now a different class I was subject to a mind-reading, and the same stories and jokes I heard the first time around. Also the short classes continued. It is a 3 hour lecture every friday, this one ended at 1 hour. Real.

I got a call from the doctor's office finally, they called me in for a psychiatric evaluation in two months. As the nurse was giving me the details of the doctor's office she told me that I would need to bring someone close to me who knew me. Someone like a best friend or a girlfriend. I was wrestling with my own mind a little trying to decide whether or not it was a better idea to shirk my medical condition since I swore not to see Anna until I was alright again. For sake of understanding, I have two conditions; one is potentially terminal and one isn't. This evaluation is obviously not for the one that is terminal but I feel is just as important.

Either way I ended up sending a desperate text to Anna, and apparently she still cares enough to help me out. I feel like a giant ass for everything that I've done; and was convinced that space was healthy. I don't know what she's thinking any more, we've grown so far apart but maybe we can still be friends while all this goes on. I just have to work past all of this, no more complaining about being ignored or anything. It sure is hard.

New semester begins and I'm feeling alright about it. My classes so far are really boring but that's alright, because I'm trying to stay on track regardless of how bored I am. Should be a challenge. The only class I like so far is Japanese but I think I am going to have to drop it :(. The main reason why is because I don't think I can personally handle 4 classes, and keeping it at 3 should be fine. The other reason is that Nadia isn't in the class, and that just kinda upsets me a little. I have the same teacher though, and she is super fun to have but I've already made my decision at this point and I guess I can't turn my back on it.


My goal for this semester is really lame, but Kaitlyn told me to focus on one thing. That one thing is school, so I'm not supposed to care about the extremely hot and cute (same time!) redhead in my science class. Or the fact that the same science class has a 13:1 girls to guy ratio. Sucks, but its the last thing Kaitlyn said to me before going AWOL. I don't know what's going on with that, but I have a feeling that she's had enough of me too.

I've been catching up on my sleep and feeling a lot better, distracting myself from loneliness is working out pretty well and I'm going to call the doctor tomorrow. I've made it a goal that I'll try to get better before my birthday so I can talk to Anna before then. I don't want to have to spend my birthday alone if I can avoid it. Its on a Sunday, and I'm hoping that by then everything will be okay with me ^^

Meanwhile climbing that ELO ladder and leveling up my smurf :D. Played my first game with a CLG member! We lost but it was a cool experience!

Haha yeah, I'm starting to get used to the being alone thing. As dumb as it sounds I don't think that having a girlfriend is even worth it if she just makes you feel like crap all the time. It isn't anyone's fault but my own really, I just don't do well in any kind of long-term situation.


Got my blood test done. I hate needles but only just the sight of them. I figure this one was a lot larger; mainly to extract blood. I could literally feel it, absolutely horrifying. Arm is still numb. Its okay though, doesn't really affect my ability to sleep or play games.

I think I will have to stop playing soon though, its going to only get in the way of my school and life. I've reached my goal now though in LoL, 1900+ ELO rating on my main. My strategy was to play games on my smurf to calm my nerves and give me experience so I could win every match on ranked. Empty accomplishment though, nobody knows that I even play this game let alone am ranked so high.

Another Tubbies night passed now, I think I'll be alright. The more time passes by the less I actually care about the attention of others. It's a start at least. Les actually texted me that he wanted to go, I feel pretty bad cause the guy never makes it out. It sounded like he wasn't go since I was 'busy'. It looks like Allen is doing pretty well, I'm glad to see that my predicament doesn't affect his life with that community.

I'm a little lost right now but I know that every day I spend by myself I learn more and more, I'm going to keep going as far as I can before I go get my best friend back. Dumb choices, dumb choices. Or is it? She's smart, and knows that I'm a kid that's never grown up; am I now growing up?

edit (5:50 am): Although I'm feeling better about myself in general I'm pretty upset about Teagan and Brittany. Its like two people who just vanished from my life. What the hell? I only have Kaitlyn left to talk to, and she's starting to get annoyed... keep going...

What does it actually mean for me? Its a magical thing, a lot of people are talking to me again that never spoke to me before. Then again they are drunk out of their minds. Its nice all the same though, maybe from now on I can pick up on my life again. I really feel apprehensive about what I sent Anna now, wish I could take it back and in time I probably will. Not when I'm so unsure as I am right now.


My medical condition is persistent and I'm scared I won't be diagnosed before school starts. I'm having my blood taken for analysis on Tuesday. Then school starts a week later. I'm not ready at all actually. I'll try and focus but I don't know if I'll get through it this time. I'm still reforming myself. I have a lot of free time and am trying to actually be productive at all times instead of wasting time. If I can do stuff that I don't want to for more than like a day I'll be happy.

Meh, I know that she doesn't read this blog at all; doesn't care. To be honest I think it might of been another cry for attention but now I'm thinking of it as a test of will. I'm going to see her again maybe by like the end of the month, depends on whenever I begin my treatment. I'm really dramatic but hopefully that will go away too. I really need someone to talk to, why did I throw away my best friend again?

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