I just had a breakdown, still recovering. What the hell is wrong with me right now; I need my friend. I need her but she won't reply. I need Anna to just give me one of her one worded replies. I need Kaitlyn to just talk to me again. I need to get out of this, this mess of a life. I just can't wait any longer I feel like I am dying right now. I am so depressed it is getting hard to breathe, my mind is going insane and I can barely get any rest. I am tired all the time and I can't do anything at all but sit and do nothing.
I'm such an idiot. Why did I ever do that. I wish I could take it back, take it all back. I am literally the biggest failure at making decisions. I make absolutely the worse choices and I come to regret them all. I take massive gambles in an attempt to fix my life and all I get is my life crashing to the ground. What the fuck.
I am almost certain I currently have SAD. A seasonal depression that varies in strength according to person. I think back and know now that I've never been sad but when it was in the colder months. Right now with it being nearly -50 outside I can't help but feel like I am dying. This cancer, I might as well die soon. It is a grim thing to say but at this point I have nothing to live for, no one that will miss me. I don't keep in contact with anyone; I'm basically dead to all but myself. I'm even losing hope in that now.
I am not a humble person in the slightest but now I stand in all humility before everyone. Weak as ever, feeling like nothing; an empty shell. I wish I had someone to talk to right now. Brittany is in Korea. Sarah isn't going to save me this time, she was always Anna's friend. Teagan has basically forgotten me by now. Kaitlyn is annoyed to hell with me and won't say anything. I don't even know what's going on through Anna's head anymore.
Ugh.
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