I guess I'm really just writing out of habit more than anything at this point. Or maybe its because I've made some realizations after careful introspection upon myself. I've been thinking about people and myself and might possibly have even figured out what might be wrong with me. This entire time I thought I was depressed, this isn't the case. I'm going to see a doctor soon, hopefully they can diagnose me with the real deal and help me out. I feel like I've been struggling through life, through relationships and through everything else. I don't want to jinx it or anything so I'm not going to say what I think I have, not until I can understand it completely.


Christmas was bleak for me, while everyone else was probably off spending time with family or their boyfriends/girlfriends, I was laming it out here. Same place I'm writing this. I definitely don't enjoy it and this year has been the worst year by far. Maybe its my fault for being so brash all the time, shoving away my only friend when I was going through a tough time. But what can I really do? I made a dumb decision, told myself to stick with it and now I can't again. I've already failed on the inside, so I don't even know what to do any more. Its not high school any more and I can't just talk my way out of everything, furthermore everyone thinks I'm annoying now. Its only been two days and already I want to retract my stupid present and just talk about everything.

That's all I ever want to do though, talk.
"What do you even want to do all day? Talk!?" I thought about it, that's true. All I ever want to do is just talk, I never once thought that talking may not be fun for anyone else but me. I need attention like a little child does, when I cut her out of my life I began to watch myself, see what I would do. Sure enough I started talking to everyone around me a lot more, now everyone is annoyed at me; hell my own brother has taken more of a liking to Anna's boyfriend than me. My damn luck. It would take nothing short of a miracle to bump me to the right place now.

There's gotta be something superhuman about her, everyone I know can't handle me in large doses. Somehow she was able to before, not anymore it looks like; but used to. I don't want to be like that any more though, I want to be normal. You know?

Here I am. At the end of the road, the end of the semester. I think its pretty odd that the school semester only lasted for I think it was 10 weeks? Not a good look for me anyway, all that time spent skipping classes has really come to bite me in the ass. I started with 5 classes and I am now looking at failing all but 1. I look back at it and I can honestly say that I fucked up badly, and what do I have to show for it now? I seemed to have everything when I started the semester, all of the facets of my life were covered and everything seemed perfect. But now, I have almost nothing to show for it; reality hits pretty hard.


So I obviously failed in the school department, and as for my job we all know that I got fired. Financials aren't that bad, at least I get food money while I go to school. Money that I use on other stupid stuff instead, its like I'm an addict but I'm not. As always, girls is the only part of my life that even moves at all; but its still not as successful as I would like it to be. I've reverted back to sleeping with Teagan, I don't even know why I'm doing it as its pretty obvious I'm just leading her on. I also ran into the crazy Teagan couple of days ago, damn that kind of sucked; it was extremely awkward. I'm a big baby and blame her for everything that has happened to me in the last couple of months, so obviously I'm not her biggest fan. We laughed and such, but nothing came out of it and I blew her off on her birthday. I'll count that as a win in my book.

I get a second chance next semester, I think I'll only start with 4 classes this time and try to focus on all of those instead of doing what I did this time around. I'm starting to think that my problems I have everyday aren't real problems, no one seems to care this time around. Everyone just thinks that I have it great, take my ex Teagan for example. Last night I told Anna about it and my worries about me leading her on and such. Her advice to me was "She's fucking hot! Just bang her, don't worry about any of that emotional crap." Is it really that easy? Am I literally crying over nothing? I don't think so but I don't know anymore, I wish I had all my old friends again like it was high school.

I'm going to be a shut-in this winter, other than going out to see Teagan I don't think I'll be doing anything but staying at home. It feels stupid to say, but I think my life has burnt out for the meantime and maybe I just need to recharge.

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