I guess I'm really just writing out of habit more than anything at this point. Or maybe its because I've made some realizations after careful introspection upon myself. I've been thinking about people and myself and might possibly have even figured out what might be wrong with me. This entire time I thought I was depressed, this isn't the case. I'm going to see a doctor soon, hopefully they can diagnose me with the real deal and help me out. I feel like I've been struggling through life, through relationships and through everything else. I don't want to jinx it or anything so I'm not going to say what I think I have, not until I can understand it completely.
Christmas was bleak for me, while everyone else was probably off spending time with family or their boyfriends/girlfriends, I was laming it out here. Same place I'm writing this. I definitely don't enjoy it and this year has been the worst year by far. Maybe its my fault for being so brash all the time, shoving away my only friend when I was going through a tough time. But what can I really do? I made a dumb decision, told myself to stick with it and now I can't again. I've already failed on the inside, so I don't even know what to do any more. Its not high school any more and I can't just talk my way out of everything, furthermore everyone thinks I'm annoying now. Its only been two days and already I want to retract my stupid present and just talk about everything.
That's all I ever want to do though, talk.
"What do you even want to do all day? Talk!?" I thought about it, that's true. All I ever want to do is just talk, I never once thought that talking may not be fun for anyone else but me. I need attention like a little child does, when I cut her out of my life I began to watch myself, see what I would do. Sure enough I started talking to everyone around me a lot more, now everyone is annoyed at me; hell my own brother has taken more of a liking to Anna's boyfriend than me. My damn luck. It would take nothing short of a miracle to bump me to the right place now.
There's gotta be something superhuman about her, everyone I know can't handle me in large doses. Somehow she was able to before, not anymore it looks like; but used to. I don't want to be like that any more though, I want to be normal. You know?
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